.this time next year...

the suburban backyard.

i've never felt so uncertain about life before... this is like, the first time where i have no idea what will happen this time next year.

so.. this time next year, will I

– still be in Melbourne?

– have a job?

– be able to quit this LDR thing and see SF everyday?

– be granted Permanent Residency in Australia? – I have been waiting for well over 2 years now.

yep, those are my primary concerns.. how much of these would I have fulfilled by May 2012? can I fulfill them all? or at least 1/2 of them?

i just want to get rid of all the uncertainties so i can move on and start planning for my future... :(

.possessed?

:(

I think I'm possessed....... By the procrastination monster..

And I guess this is common among students.. But I really can't afford to put off my work till tomorrow, day after tomorrow, ...

I'm already weeks behind schedule.. And I have to meet up with my supervisor tomorrow – totally stressed out about this because I am not sure if I have done enough over the Easter break.

Argh.. What am I gonna do... I used to be able to concentrate a lot better... Is it the caffeine? Maybe it's the caffeine. Or maybe it's my desk/chair – not ergonomic enough. Can't really switch to better ones since I have limited budget this year.

Perhaps I should spend this whole weekend at uni. Yup, I'll do that.

.because crying scares people away

Maybe it's just today, or maybe it has been a while.

But I feel so isolated from the people who are thousands of miles away from me right now..

Sudden, I feel like this selfish person who don't want to help them, despite our close relationships..

And suddenly, I feel like I'm some sort of stranger to them, that they'd rather get help from people who are not close to them than me.

I don't know why so many people could actually choose not to believe me, especially when I'm close with them...

Or maybe this is just a one-sided feeling, that they don't feel like they're close to me while I feel comfortable with them.

It really hurts.. Even if it's just over some small favor...

And now I'm very confused, is it my fault, or is it their fault?

Why am I made to feel like the bad person now?

And worse, why am I the last person you'd wanna approach for help, when I'm supposedly the closest person to you? It really hurts... I never knew it would hurt this much.. really..

And because crying scares people away, I have to go through the pain of preventing my tears from falling in front of people... Is it really wrong to be someone who has got a little too much emotions on hand?

Can someone tell me? Is it wrong to be an overly sensitive person?

.it's time to part, again.

It's time to leave again, after having spent a good 4 months with SF. I thought I'm supposed to have gotten used to this routine, the routine of having to be separated once every few months.

SF said he believes that this is the last chapter of LDR, which actually helped a little, but I guess I won't feel relieved until it really happens, that we can finally settle down (not the marriage type, yet) and just get to see each other anytime we want.

Sigh, I guess I'll still have to live alone for a few more months..

I really do think I've had enough of school, so for once, I'm actually looking forward to graduation. Let's hope I don't change my mind when the time comes.

I'll be okay, just need to get the "last hangout together" over with. SF won't be sending me off at the airport, which is exactly what I want because I know I'll get all emotional and teary if he does, and he hates it. So the win-win solution is to let me check-in at the airport by myself.

...

Perhaps it's best if Tuesday night comes by asap.

.they should....

get rid of this rule that says 15% discount for Bumiputra's when it comes to buying residential properties. It's so unfair – shouldn't One Malaysia represent Equality?

I don't even have a photo for this blog entry... too mad to search for one... or rather, too mad and lazy to copy and paste the link.

.good times...

...don't actually last.. and because it doesn't last, I'd always get this ominous feeling that something bad is about to take place, whenever I'm in the middle of enjoying something.

There are so many things about me that I don't like, and this is one of them. I hate how I'm always unable to enjoy something till the end, and worry about the bad stuff later on..

Is there a way for me to enjoy the next few days without dwelling on the fact that this "holiday" is ending, and that it's back to reality for us after that?

LDR isn't necessarily a bad thing, even though there are times when I'd get pretty envious when I see some other couples walking down the street, hand in hand.. I pretty much got by 1 year of this by drowning myself with TV drama series.. And now, I just need to find 1 – 1.5 year worth of drama to get by.. or maybe 2. I don't know. Ugh.

This blog is a channel for me to relieve my happiness and stress – I don't need any advice, I just want people [online] to be able to understand my point of view, because no one around me will ever understand what I'm going through.. Sure, there are people who are willing to listen but they don't seem to get the fact that I don't need advice from them, especially since their advices are usually pretty negative. :\

So yeah, I just want you to listen, and not say anything... Comments disabled for now and let's just leave it at that. :)

."a" for "allergy"

...

no photo(s), i was going to edit one just so i could put it up here but i got lazy.

.....

anyway, i'm seriously wondering if i should continue staying here.. especially through the months of October - December, when my spring allergy acts up.

... it's not just runny nose/itchy throat-nose-ears/sneezing anymore...

i've developed this bad "pink" eye due to the allergy – i suspect it's pollens getting into my bi-weekly contact lenses. guess the only way to solve this is to stick to daily contacts, but it's more expensive. :\

so the sad alternative is to try and get used to glasses. people, if you see me in glasses outdoors, DO NOT make any comments, because i feel very, very self-conscious about wearing glasses anywhere other than home.

...

sigh, my eyes are so itchy, i think i should just sleep. i'll try to find a photo for this post..sometime..erm..later.

gah.

.3/4 done (well, nearly)

My 2nd home. Impressive huh!? ;)

End of week 12. Beginning of week 13. Where did all the time go!?!?!?!? It feels like I was just preparing for my first day of graduate school not long ago.

I'm depressed.. I am...

And I figured that part of the reason why I'm upset is because this week is my last week of lecture/tutorials.. By "last", I mean the "last" of my life. Next semester is project based and we all are expected to organize our own time... That means no class, and minimal interaction with my awesome classmates (some of whom are friends that I'm going to stick with for years to come).

I should be rushing on my never-ending amount of assignments right now.. But having no one to talk to over the weekend, I feel that the only way to unleash all these emotions that I've been bottling up inside me is to type it out...

--

After two semesters of ActionScript 3.0, I feel like I want to do something related to Flash developing in years to come.. The only problem is that I am still struggling. I understand what each set of function does but I don't know how to start writing a code. It's like, I know I could use switch for the main navigation bar of a flash website but I don't know how to implement it. I know I could use the UILoader data type for external images/videos/.swf but I don't know where to start.

And the fact that Apple has allow the conversion of AS3.0 into objective-C programming (iPhone app format) gives me even more reason to master AS3.0 - because I came from a games design background and I really want to do some of that in future.

Part of me really want to design one of those 10-second long, before-a-drama-series-commence type of screen for TV companies, but I feel that I'm more comfortable with Flash than AfterEffects or Final Cut.

So yes, Jeff (program coordinator of MMDes), I really would like to take up your advice in creating a game prototype with AS3.0 for my project in Studio 3 but don't think I'm up for it if we're not going to get any extra help. I know we are postgrad students and we are expected to be "independent" but how do you expect us to do so if our skills are not up to scratch for a fabulous, final project? I really want my project to be portfolio worthy, something I can show family/friends and potential employers with pride.

Perhaps going to one of those design schools in California was a better choice... For those of you who are finishing up high school and are interested in going to arts/design schools, you might wanna consider the States, especially since the current exchange rate made American education even more worth the money, and I'm sure their education quality is much more superior than that of Australia.

--

Okay, I'm outta here. Back to scripting.. I can do this!!!

.is this a sign?

I've been going through a stage of ups and downs recently.. well, mainly downs..

1. I feel so... vexed..

2. Why can't I start on the business plan, get it over with and start planning for the summer break?

3. My agent has just reminded me of reasons that make me hate renting.


1. Vexed-ness.

I don't know why.. I've been really unhappy recently, and I can't rule out problem.. And um no, it's not PMS.. not yet at least. I feel like I can't smile genuinely anymore.. Is it because I live alone? Or am I just stressed out over assignments?


2. Why, why, why why why why why why why... Am I always procrastinating? Beginning of the semester, I told myself that I'm not going to procrastinate anymore, and that I'm going to finish my work way before it's due... For the past... 8 semester, I've told myself the same thing over and over again.. but.. I still ... fail...

Procrastinate Monster VS _pdra - 1 - 0.


3. ...Just when I thought I was lucky to have nice, understanding agents..... Well, the agent gave me a week notice (standard rule) that they were coming up to inspect. No problem - all I need to do is mop, vacuum and tidy up the apartment a little. I thought I did a pretty good job with that though, considering that I've never had so much walking space before this... My friends visited promptly and were amazed at how clean and tidy my place is.

So the agent e-mailed me today telling me that it's "not clean and tidy, but in acceptable condition and hopes to see better results in the next inspection, which takes place in 6 months.)

Like, wtf!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I spent the whole hour (or more) mopping/tidying/vacuuming! So I did all that for nothing?

And wait, that's not it.

They whinged about my dryer, which is currently placed right beside the TV (simply because there is no better place for the dryer).. and made the decision for me that I should pay for the installment of a dryer shelf in the laundry cabinet. What..the..fuck!?!?!?!? As a tenant, I don't feel obliged to pay for something that will benefit future tenants. I know I won't be renting here forever - well nobody in this building is going to stay here forever, unless they own the apartment and are going to remain single for the rest of their lives, that's for sure.

I'm sure you guys would agree with me that I'm not supposed to pay for maintenance work/upgrades in this apartment unit unless I damage something. But in this case, I didn't. And FYI, the dryer has been sitting there in the same spot (even in my previous apartment upstairs) since we moved in.. And why did they start complaining about it all of a sudden?

FML. I hate renting. Everyone should start by getting a studio and paying the bank monthly installments - at least you are paying for your own house and not giving the money to someone else.. And the studio will make a good investment in future when you need a bigger space.

Gah!!!


P/S I think I've got another 14 months in this apartment.. Part of me kinda wants to sell everything and find a decent room (with personal toilet) in a share house somewhere.. But nah, maybe not. And sorry for the lack of photograph, I just needed to unleash my emotions a bit...

.exam2010

Enough said.

.simple-minded

august.

I had to go to a friend's friend place for one of my final semester projects when I'd come across this puppy named August. It was hyper for a bit when everyone came into the house and calmed down after a couple of minutes.

As I was setting up the camera and getting ready to start the interview for my documentary, little August came towards me, with one of those rubber bones in his mouth. It wanted to play fetch so I decided to play along while attempting to set up the camera.

Anyways, this experience kinda made me want a pet dog too.. But no, I'm still a cat person. :) And everyone knows that one of the conditions in my contract is that I am not to have pets in this apartment at all times.

If only I was a pet dog who could play fetch all day and not give anything a damn... But life aint that good.

------

You know.. Great things never last... I have fallen yet again, after enjoying myself for the past week.
I'm still in the midst of waiting for the result of my PR application and it has been over a year since I submitted everything to the immigration department.

I know I shouldn't be complaining if I really want my application to be successful and to be able to stay here.. But I really want to have the option of being able to go back and visit SF and my family at least twice a year, without being questioned by immigration officers, for a quarter of the year or something... All my visiting plans have been ruined and I need to come up with plan B sometime soon... Sigh.

I guess I'm stuck here for the summer break.. It may not necessarily be a bad thing, but I was planning to spend the entire summer back home with loved ones and attempt to get an internship overseas.

Oh well, let's hope I'm able to get a 1 month bridging visa to go back for Lunar New Year 2011.

.fallen into the dark

sitting in the dark.

Will I ever get out of the dark?

.the fake smile

late afternoon.

Time to rant!!!
...I hate pretending to be happy when I'm not.
I know I'm one of the luckiest people around... But I'm starting to get very, very tired.

I'm both mentally and physically exhausted.. I feel empty.. Sometimes I wish I could be in the studio working 24/7 so I wouldn't think too much.

I have assignments and homework due on a weekly basis.. And I barely have enough time to do stuff that I enjoy, like going out for some photo walks, discovering new places for photography purposes, etc.

I hate being stuck at home.. Well I have to be at home because I have too much work...

Suddenly, I feel like I have no friends around in Melbourne anymore... ._.

And I miss him.. a lot.. Even though we've been communicating online heaps

But no, I'm not giving up everything here.. I won't be leaving anytime soon. I just need someone to come by for a cup of tea and chat with (counsel) me.. And I need at least two days of sleep in.

Come visit me...

.2305

I'll find a photo for this entry later.

It's 11.05pm.. While I'm still nursing a mild food poisoning, I'm supposed to be working on an assignment that is due day after.

I'm only half done.. Or not even half done.. I don't know.

I feel that I have been procrastinating more and more in the recent years.. I don't know why, I just can't help it... And this is probably the last thing I should do as postgraduate student majoring in multimedia design (heaps of assignments!)

Hmm.. Anyways, I just wanted to rant. I think I'd better finish up all the Illustrator work by tonight and do all the typings tomorrow.

Good night y'all.

.anti suppression

the memorable night.

I don't believe in suppressing my feelings, and I don't think I ever will. Chances are, if I were to bottle everything up I'd just end up exploding and hurt everyone.

So whoever (especially those who are very close to me) is reading this entry, I just want you to know that this blog acts as an outlet for me to vent my frustrations, sadness, or things that I shouldn't keep to myself. I'd rather unleash all my emotions in text rather than hurt you, and I am sure you'd make the same decision as me if you were in my position. Don't say I didn't warn you – feel free to close this window if you don't wish to read whatever I'm about to share.

--

SF and I went star sighting the other night.. We thought we'd go about 100km out of Melbourne since the city is too bright. The fact that we saw the beautiful milky way the other night on our way to Sydney made us want to see it again. Heathcote was our destination but SF reckon it wasn't dark enough, and that we should have driven further up north if we had extra time.. But it was good.

I know things will change in the next couple of years... And [sad to say] I don't adapt to changes as easily as most people could.. Seeing the above image hurts because I don't know when we'll get to go star sighting again. It's not that I don't trust this relationship, it's just that I don't trust whatever that is coming up to us in the next couple of years.

Firstly, I don't like being unable to know how long we're going to be apart – he can't promise, and I don't want him to promise as well, knowing that there is a possibility that other external factors may change our lives. So I guess there is nothing I can do about this and I don't know how to deal with it.. I need help.

Next, I hate having to suppress my emotions and thoughts but this is something I have to do right now, for the well-being of everyone. I guess I'll just need to work harder on this and try to occupy myself with as many things as possible.

Last but not least, how often can we talk? We are both going to lead separate lives for a while and it is unreasonable for either parties to demand to go online 24/7. Will we eventually get tired of chatting on the webcam? What else can we do about this other than making an effort to visit as much as possible and interact online/on the phone?

--

And umm, I don't know if I actually feel better yet, after typing these out, but I hope I do after an 8-hour sleep.

P/S – I hope my dad recovers by the time he wakes up.. :( Being sick is definitely the worst feeling ever.

And as for commenting, I've decided not to allow because all I want is for a few people to listen [read] and understand what I am going through..

.hoping for more

A part of me.

Autumn, or more commonly known as "Fall" in the northern hemisphere, is my favorite season of the year.

But sad to say, I have a bittersweet relationship with Autumn almost every year. It is usually the time when I fall sick for a whole month. What a waste, considering that this is the season for the nicest photographs.

So here's hoping that I won't fall sick this coming Fall and that I will be able to spend more time with the camera this year. ...

P/S Just so you guys know, I have officially moved to my new place and I do not have internet connection at home at the moment – Telstra is best when it comes to procrastinating stuff. ..

.snap out of it!!!

Key to independence.

You know.. I just want to snap out of this being-depressed-about-going-on-a-long-distance-relationship feeling. You guys are probably sick and tired of my rantings already and I am just as sick of it as y'all.

And it's easier said than done. Am I not trying hard enough? :\

.dear summer...

Docklands, Victoria.

Dear summer,

I hate you. I hate you for making me sweat like there's no tomorrow.. I hate you for making me moody for no reason - because when I am moody, I'd affect the people around me.. And I hate it when people around me are moody because of me.

I know you'll advise me to get some gelati on Lygon Street but NO, I don't friggin' want to walk outside in this kind of weather, I don't want to walk under YOU!!! Because I hate you!!!

And I also hate the fact that you are here to stay until mid-March next year. Now I have to worry about my camera's well-being, because those babies cannot tolerate heat as well as I can, even though I am struggling myself. Oh, and not forgetting my babies' babies, the lenses.

Gosh.. Summer, now I might have to starve myself for months or get my lens later because of you. I have to get one of those portable air-conditioners because of YOU. You would probably ask me to blame this on the landlord for not installing an air-conditioner for us.. Well I am too, but still, it's all BECAUSE OF YOU, Summer. If you didn't exist in the first place I wouldn't have to suffer like this.

You probably wouldn't be heart-broken anyways, since lots of people still love you for what you are. I might still love you too if you are 25 degrees Celsius and below.

Anyways, before I end this letter, summer, I just want to tell you once again, that I hate you. Nothing can describe my hatred against you.



With little regards,
_pdra

P.S. Oh, and THANKS A LOT for the hay fever. Spring was a lot more lenient with the hay fever so maybe you should learn from her.

.to click or not to click?

5 minutes ago, I was attempting to book an air ticket back home for the big day...

And 1 minute ago, I closed the website without confirming my booking.

..Yup, I am still waiting to see if I am allowed to take the exam early.. After all, it's just one exam and I'm currently doing reasonably well for that unit...

I don't know when I will be notified... It's a 50-50 right now and I have no guts to click "confirm booking" on the airline website. I am afraid that I'll jinx my chance badly if I do buy a ticket now...

But even so, I have a really bad feeling about this.. But I'm still going to go no matter what, even if it means being late for my exam on the next day.

I know my reason for taking the exam early isn't as valid as those who have been seriously ill or have been going through some bad personal/family issues, but I feel that my reason is just as important as those mentioned above.

Sigh.. If only the exam date was set a day later, I could still make it back for the event and return on time for my paper...

There's nothing I can do right now I guess, except to finish up my assignments and pray with faith..

*fingers crossed*

.the painful wait

The black CBD.

I am supposed to be working on my assignments right now.. But instead, I am just sitting in front of the computer, restless, staring at my Inbox and waiting for the news.

The news.

Yes, the news.

I HAVE to be back by the 15th November no matter what. And I am desperately wanting to be there.. For his big day.

It's a once in a life time thing.. I need to be there for him, just as the other family members would.

..But.. This isn't my decision – I can't make the decision. Someone will...

Please let me take the exams early.. I don't care how early it is, I HAVE to be there!!!