.because crying scares people away

Maybe it's just today, or maybe it has been a while.

But I feel so isolated from the people who are thousands of miles away from me right now..

Sudden, I feel like this selfish person who don't want to help them, despite our close relationships..

And suddenly, I feel like I'm some sort of stranger to them, that they'd rather get help from people who are not close to them than me.

I don't know why so many people could actually choose not to believe me, especially when I'm close with them...

Or maybe this is just a one-sided feeling, that they don't feel like they're close to me while I feel comfortable with them.

It really hurts.. Even if it's just over some small favor...

And now I'm very confused, is it my fault, or is it their fault?

Why am I made to feel like the bad person now?

And worse, why am I the last person you'd wanna approach for help, when I'm supposedly the closest person to you? It really hurts... I never knew it would hurt this much.. really..

And because crying scares people away, I have to go through the pain of preventing my tears from falling in front of people... Is it really wrong to be someone who has got a little too much emotions on hand?

Can someone tell me? Is it wrong to be an overly sensitive person?

.i discovered something new about him

yep, despite being together for over 7.5 years, we still have new things about each other to discover.

I just found out that SF and I share the EXACT SAME eye-degree!

All these years I've been bugging him about this and he's never told me.. well, because he wasn't really sure.

"So we can share a packet of contact lenses now." He said.

Well, it is the same, but total opposite. I'm -1.75 on the left, -2.00 on the right and his is the opposite of mine.

What are the odds of that! LOL.

.it's time to part, again.

It's time to leave again, after having spent a good 4 months with SF. I thought I'm supposed to have gotten used to this routine, the routine of having to be separated once every few months.

SF said he believes that this is the last chapter of LDR, which actually helped a little, but I guess I won't feel relieved until it really happens, that we can finally settle down (not the marriage type, yet) and just get to see each other anytime we want.

Sigh, I guess I'll still have to live alone for a few more months..

I really do think I've had enough of school, so for once, I'm actually looking forward to graduation. Let's hope I don't change my mind when the time comes.

I'll be okay, just need to get the "last hangout together" over with. SF won't be sending me off at the airport, which is exactly what I want because I know I'll get all emotional and teary if he does, and he hates it. So the win-win solution is to let me check-in at the airport by myself.

...

Perhaps it's best if Tuesday night comes by asap.

.they should....

get rid of this rule that says 15% discount for Bumiputra's when it comes to buying residential properties. It's so unfair – shouldn't One Malaysia represent Equality?

I don't even have a photo for this blog entry... too mad to search for one... or rather, too mad and lazy to copy and paste the link.

.the cat is finally out of the bag

finally.

there is no need to stress over bumping into family friends/relatives when we hang out – because we ARE going out.

but damn... why do I feel more nervous than ever? is it because I've never brought "boyfriends" home to meet my parents before? or is it because we've only officially announced it to my family/relatives after going out for 7.5 years?

or maybe I'm just stressed out about bumping into mom tomorrow morning and have her bombard me with questions.

sigh, I don't know, I don't know. but one thing I'm sure of is that we've done the right thing. my dad's really happy, my mom is (most likely) relieved and we don't have anything to hide anymore. life's going to be so much easier, right? we can hang out anytime, right?

ahhhh... mom, please don't ask me anything in the morning.. everything is fine, if not, SF and I wouldn't have done the official announcement.

.さよなら

2010..is over??? I'm not dreaming, am I?

I should probably do a little summary of 2010 too.

...

2010...wasn't a good year for me. I was forced by a number of reasons to go into a long distance relationship. I had to fend for myself most of the time.. but this isn't all bad, because I have sort of learned how to be independent... And I never realize how strong I can be until strong is the only choice I have.

Loads of people around me got engaged or married recently, which makes me feel really crummy despite the fact that 1. I know it's not going to happen anytime soon for me and 2. that I should be happy for them. It's not that I don't want to be happy for them, it's just that I can't.

If it wasn't for the change in immigration policy, SF and I could have been granted permanent residency in Australia by 2010... And now, we'll most likely have to wait till 2012 before we get an answer.. and There is a possibility that the answer is No. I hate how this is ruining my plans for the future.

...

Well, 2010 wasn't all that bad. I attended agIdeas, an international design forum held annually in Melbourne which inspired me a lot. I bought a couple of good design illustration books to inspire myself further...and I've got a whole king size bed to myself. Hehe.

And last but not least, friends. :) you guys know who you are..thanks for stopping by for dinner at my lonely apartment sometime!

okay, that is all.

.the end?

Winter solstice 2010.

2010 came and went...just like that.

I guess I should be happy that it ended, because 2010 wasn't exactly a great year for me.. Well it's good, but it's mostly bad.

Does 2011 mark the fact that things will get better? I hope so.

Will my life change drastically in 2011? I guess so, since I will be starting a scary yet fulfilling new chapter.

And most important, will things go back to how it was before 2010?

No one has the answer for the above question... So I guess I'll just leave it at that.. We'll only find out when the time comes.

I would like to thank those who have been here for me over the past year.. I wouldn't have made it this far (emotionally) if it wasn't for you guys. Cheers, everyone!

and SF, I know you can wait, but I can't. =)

Happy holidays everyone. Have a great 2011!