.desire

I don't want uncertainties anymore – I just want everything to back to normal and I just want a stable life. No more dramas, please!

sorry for the impromptu hiatus - thought I should do a little bit of update.

so.. let's start with the big thing.

the big thing is.. I moved to a new place.. not just another new place, but a SHARE house! I never thought I'd be able to share a place with someone but I thought I'd try anyway, since this is the very last chance for me to do so. it's all good considering that my housemate and I each get our own bedrooms and bathrooms, so loads of private space, really. :)

in other news, I'm still in an LDR.. and I'm getting really scared. it's been well over 1.5 year now and we still don't know how long we've got with this LDR thing.. :(

also... I'm in the midst of planning a little something for my future right now... Some of you may already know what it is but I think I should probably reveal it here later when everything is confirmed.. so.. good luck to me!

...anything else I missed out?

.not myself bc of the weather

It has been raining since Tuesday afternoon and I'm totally unimpressed. Sure, it's good for sleep-in's and all but I'm sure most of us can't afford to sleep-in and be late for lectures/tutorials and work.

I love it when it rains Friday or Saturday night and that's about it – I don't like raining marathons, and I hate it most when it happens on Monday morning.

C'mon sunlight, don't be shy, come back to us, we miss you! >.<

Well, today's weather is significantly better I guess, albeit the on and off sunlight.. At least there was some sunlight!

.this time next year...

the suburban backyard.

i've never felt so uncertain about life before... this is like, the first time where i have no idea what will happen this time next year.

so.. this time next year, will I

– still be in Melbourne?

– have a job?

– be able to quit this LDR thing and see SF everyday?

– be granted Permanent Residency in Australia? – I have been waiting for well over 2 years now.

yep, those are my primary concerns.. how much of these would I have fulfilled by May 2012? can I fulfill them all? or at least 1/2 of them?

i just want to get rid of all the uncertainties so i can move on and start planning for my future... :(

.possessed?

:(

I think I'm possessed....... By the procrastination monster..

And I guess this is common among students.. But I really can't afford to put off my work till tomorrow, day after tomorrow, ...

I'm already weeks behind schedule.. And I have to meet up with my supervisor tomorrow – totally stressed out about this because I am not sure if I have done enough over the Easter break.

Argh.. What am I gonna do... I used to be able to concentrate a lot better... Is it the caffeine? Maybe it's the caffeine. Or maybe it's my desk/chair – not ergonomic enough. Can't really switch to better ones since I have limited budget this year.

Perhaps I should spend this whole weekend at uni. Yup, I'll do that.

.just sayin'

a toy choo-choo

It would be nice if I could have a son one day - I'd love to buy up all the tracks in the toy store and build a mini-giant train track in the whole house for my boy.

LOL, okay, maybe this is just an excuse – I AM the one who wants the mini-giant train track. Not the future husband and son.

.don't date guys who took business major?

(will place an appropriate photo up later on)

two of my girl friends came over to my place a couple of weeks back and we had a good time catching up and talking about non-final-project related things. one of the interesting topics of the day was "what kind of a guy are you looking for?"

now, this was my question, to the both of them, who are currently single.

one said she don't mind a designer, a non-multimedia-design one.. perhaps an architect or industrial designer.

the other don't mind engineers, or designers.

"and what about business?" i said.

"NO!!!!!" they replied together.

"why not???" i asked (amused at this point, because SF is a banking/finance guy).

"they're cheapskate." "they are tight with money." were their replies.

haha! well sure, i agree with them, but as long as they know their limits, it's cool. SF would only try to stop me if i were making big purchases, like a new camera. but from my experience, i reckon business-guys are better with money management, and they have the tendency to plan for the future earlier than their peers from other majors. the "tight with money" bit does get on my nerves sometime, but 90% of the time i reckon it's great.

i suck with money management, so i think it would be great to have someone whom i can trust to help me with my finances (with the exception of telling me NOT to buy anything).

so yeah, girls, if you're still in uni and single, go to the business school section and find someone.. that is, if you want a comfortable retirement life!

LOLOLOL.

.yes no yes no yes no

Lens. Time for a new lens, I reckon? The last one I bought was an Canon EF 24-105mm f/4L IS USM and that was 3 years ago.

I've been going back and forth between an ultrawide and prime – the EF 16-35mm f/2.8L USM or the EF 50mm f/1.2L II. Both cost well over a thousand dollars... Australian dollars (we all know how the Aussie dollar has been shooting upward like there's no tomorrow).

TT_______TT

So.. What's my conclusion?

None.

Not getting either lenses for a while..... Because...

I'm saving up for a dream wedding photographer (research done) – I reckon it's the most important element in a wedding ceremony because it's going to stay with you for a life time. I probably won't want to get angry every time I open up my wedding photograph album simply because of crap photography. This will be good money well-spent!

And um nope, I'm not getting married yet – I just want to save up in case it's happening in the next few years.

Seriously, there is no signs of wedding bells on my side just yet! Top priority for us right now is to earn as much money as we can while we're still in our 20's. :)

.because it's time to update?

yeah.. because it has been a while since i did some proper, positive update about myself. what happened to the days when i'd blog almost everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day!?

maybe i'm getting old... or i'm just plain lazy. i choose the latter.

hmm.. let's see... what do you want to know? i guess you'll probably want to know that i'm almost halfway through my final semester of graduate school. yes, iamfinishingupmymaster'sdegreeandi'mfreakingout!!!!! this semester, i'm only enrolled in 1 unit and it's all about writing your own project brief and being self-disciplined enough to finish them by end of June. yep, it's actually quite fun to be able to finally do something you wanna do, rather than having to do something according to assignment briefs written by lecturers/tutors.

and what am i doing this semester? umm i'm kinda lazy to explain, so here are the key words: children's storybook, digital story telling, Japanese culture, One-Inch Samurai (一寸法師).

other than that, i do go out for a walk sometime, invite friends over, running errands, house chores, and umm.. well.. okay, that's about it – the rest of the time is spent working on the project.

what else is new? i got a new macbook pro after 3.6 years and am hoping that this one will last a little longer than the last one, and managed to poison SF with photography. YES, he is hooked to HDR right now and got me to pick up a 2nd hand Canon 40D for him recently. too bad he can't have the camera yet, unless he decides to visit me soon.

and what else is still the same? SF and i are still LDR-ing. yep, just like last year, except that i'm used to living alone now.. sure, i still do get depressed at times but i'm able to deal with loneliness better than 12 months ago. my dad suggested that we don't remain on LDR for too long..so.. well, let's hope that everything will go back to normal soon. (:

yep, and that's all. back to work!

.because crying scares people away

Maybe it's just today, or maybe it has been a while.

But I feel so isolated from the people who are thousands of miles away from me right now..

Sudden, I feel like this selfish person who don't want to help them, despite our close relationships..

And suddenly, I feel like I'm some sort of stranger to them, that they'd rather get help from people who are not close to them than me.

I don't know why so many people could actually choose not to believe me, especially when I'm close with them...

Or maybe this is just a one-sided feeling, that they don't feel like they're close to me while I feel comfortable with them.

It really hurts.. Even if it's just over some small favor...

And now I'm very confused, is it my fault, or is it their fault?

Why am I made to feel like the bad person now?

And worse, why am I the last person you'd wanna approach for help, when I'm supposedly the closest person to you? It really hurts... I never knew it would hurt this much.. really..

And because crying scares people away, I have to go through the pain of preventing my tears from falling in front of people... Is it really wrong to be someone who has got a little too much emotions on hand?

Can someone tell me? Is it wrong to be an overly sensitive person?

.i discovered something new about him

yep, despite being together for over 7.5 years, we still have new things about each other to discover.

I just found out that SF and I share the EXACT SAME eye-degree!

All these years I've been bugging him about this and he's never told me.. well, because he wasn't really sure.

"So we can share a packet of contact lenses now." He said.

Well, it is the same, but total opposite. I'm -1.75 on the left, -2.00 on the right and his is the opposite of mine.

What are the odds of that! LOL.

.it's time to part, again.

It's time to leave again, after having spent a good 4 months with SF. I thought I'm supposed to have gotten used to this routine, the routine of having to be separated once every few months.

SF said he believes that this is the last chapter of LDR, which actually helped a little, but I guess I won't feel relieved until it really happens, that we can finally settle down (not the marriage type, yet) and just get to see each other anytime we want.

Sigh, I guess I'll still have to live alone for a few more months..

I really do think I've had enough of school, so for once, I'm actually looking forward to graduation. Let's hope I don't change my mind when the time comes.

I'll be okay, just need to get the "last hangout together" over with. SF won't be sending me off at the airport, which is exactly what I want because I know I'll get all emotional and teary if he does, and he hates it. So the win-win solution is to let me check-in at the airport by myself.

...

Perhaps it's best if Tuesday night comes by asap.

.they should....

get rid of this rule that says 15% discount for Bumiputra's when it comes to buying residential properties. It's so unfair – shouldn't One Malaysia represent Equality?

I don't even have a photo for this blog entry... too mad to search for one... or rather, too mad and lazy to copy and paste the link.

.the cat is finally out of the bag

finally.

there is no need to stress over bumping into family friends/relatives when we hang out – because we ARE going out.

but damn... why do I feel more nervous than ever? is it because I've never brought "boyfriends" home to meet my parents before? or is it because we've only officially announced it to my family/relatives after going out for 7.5 years?

or maybe I'm just stressed out about bumping into mom tomorrow morning and have her bombard me with questions.

sigh, I don't know, I don't know. but one thing I'm sure of is that we've done the right thing. my dad's really happy, my mom is (most likely) relieved and we don't have anything to hide anymore. life's going to be so much easier, right? we can hang out anytime, right?

ahhhh... mom, please don't ask me anything in the morning.. everything is fine, if not, SF and I wouldn't have done the official announcement.